Understanding Demand Avoidance: What it is and How to Help

Most of us experience resistance to tasks we don’t enjoy, but for some children and adults, even everyday requests can trigger intense and often overwhelming avoidance. This pattern is often referred to as demand avoidance, and it often surprises and even frustrates the person experiencing it. Understanding what drives it and how to respond with compassion can make a world of difference in supporting a loved one who struggles in this way.

What Is Demand Avoidance?

Imagine holding a leash with a dog at the end. If the dog suddenly pulls you forward, your nervous system immediately triggers rapid reflexes that stiffen the upper body, activate your core muscles, and shift your position to counteract the dog’s pull and avoid falling over—without even thinking. People who experience demand avoidance report a similar reaction, but instead of the pull of a leash, they experience a reaction to everyday requests, expectations, or demands—even those they might normally want to do! Once that opposite reaction is engaged, it can feel impossible for some to adjust, even when they know they should.

This can look like:

• Resisting or refusing tasks such as homework, chores, or routines, especially when asked or reminded about them

• Becoming anxious, upset, or oppositional when faced with instructions

• Using distraction, negotiation, or withdrawal to escape demands

• Meltdowns or shutdowns when expectations feel overwhelming

• A stockpile of delayed tasks over time

In some cases, demand avoidance can be part of a broader pattern known as Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA), a profile often associated with autism. But demand avoidance can also show up in children (and adults) with ADHD, anxiety, histories of trauma, or other regulation difficulties.

What Causes Demand Avoidance?

Demand avoidance is rarely about laziness or defiance. It often stems from:

• Anxiety and loss of control: Demands may feel threatening, especially if the person struggles with flexibility or uncertainty.

• Difficulty with transitions: Moving from one activity to another can feel overwhelming.

• Sensitivity to pressure: Even minor requests may trigger a “fight, flight, or freeze” response.

• Past experiences of failure or overwhelm: If a task feels too hard, the person may avoid it to protect their self-esteem.

• Neurodivergence: Kids and adults with autism, ADHD, or sensory differences may experience demand avoidance as part of how their nervous system processes expectations.

How to Help a Child or Loved One with Demand Avoidance

1. Reframe the Behavior

See resistance as a sign of anxiety or overwhelm, not disobedience. This mindset shift helps you respond with empathy rather than frustration.

2. Reduce Pressure

Phrase requests as invitations or choices rather than demands. For example:

• Instead of “Do your homework now” → “Would you like to start with math or reading today?”

• Or, when appropriate, establish ahead of time what the goal is, and pass the responsibility and decision-making on to them (e.g., “The lights are going out at 9:30, and I will leave it up to you to decide how you want to get your work done.”)

3. Offer Choices and Control

Giving a sense of autonomy helps reduce resistance. Small choices (when to start, what order to do tasks in) can make a big difference.

4. Break Tasks Into Smaller Steps

Overwhelm feeds avoidance. Help your loved one start with one small, manageable step.

5. Use Collaborative Problem-Solving

Talk together about what makes demands hard and brainstorm strategies. Involving them increases buy-in and reduces power struggles.

6. Anticipate and Communicate Transitions

Give warnings before shifting activities and provide predictable routines.

7. Validate Feelings

Acknowledge frustration or fear without judgment: “I know this is really difficult.” Validation helps reduce shame and resistance.

8. Stick with Clear Boundaries

Make it clear what the boundary is and provide appropriate support to meet it. Don’t nag or change the boundary.

How Therapy Can Help

Therapy can support both individuals with demand avoidance and their families by:

• Helping identify the underlying sources of anxiety or overwhelm

• Teaching coping strategies for emotional regulation and transitions

• Supporting parents in using effective, compassionate, and consistent strategies at home

• Building problem-solving and communication skills

• Addressing self-esteem challenges that come from frequent conflict

In cases where demand avoidance is connected to autism, ADHD, or another condition, therapy can also provide tailored support for neurodivergent needs. Demand avoidance isn’t about stubbornness; it’s most often an expression of anxiety and the nervous system’s attempt to feel calm through a sense of control. With insight and supportive strategies, families can reduce power struggles and help children and teens (or even adults) build confidence and resilience. Therapy provides a safe space to uncover the roots of avoidance and develop tools that support success.