Helping Your Child with Anxiety and Checking Behaviors

When a child engages in OCD-type checking behaviors—like repeatedly making sure the door is locked or the stove is off—a parent’s instinct is often to reassure, correct, or help with the checking. Unfortunately, those responses usually make the compulsive behavior stronger over time, because they feed the compulsive cycle.

The best approach comes from exposure and response prevention (ERP) principles, which aim to break the link between the obsessive worry and the compulsive checking. Here’s how parents and caregivers can respond in a way that helps reduce and eventually extinguish the behavior:

1. Understand the cycle

• OCD loop: Obsession → Anxiety → Compulsion (checking) → Temporary relief → Stronger compulsion next time.

• Parental reassurance or participation in checking keeps this loop going.

2. Avoid giving reassurance or assisting with checking

• If the child asks, “Are you sure the door’s locked?”

  Instead of: “Yes, I checked it, it’s fine,”

  Try: “I know you’re feeling anxious right now, but I believe you can handle that feeling without checking.”

• This encourages them to sit with discomfort rather than escape it.

3. Name the OCD as the problem, not the child

• Example: “It sounds like worry is trying to trick you into checking again. Let’s not give it what it wants.”

• Externalizing worry and compulsions helps the child feel they’re battling the disorder, not themselves.

4. Support gradual exposure

• With a therapist’s guidance, help the child intentionally do something that triggers the urge, and then resist the compulsion.

• Example: Lock the door once, walk away, and practice tolerating the anxiety without going back.

5. Validate feelings without validating the behavior

• “I get that you’re feeling worried. That’s a real feeling. But checking again won’t make the feeling go away for good.”

6. Praise effort, not outcome

• Focus on bravery in resisting a compulsion, even if anxiety stays high for a while.

• Example: “You did a great job walking away after one check—that’s real courage.”

7. Keep your own anxiety in check

• Kids pick up on your stress. Staying calm and consistent models how to handle uncertainty.

8. Partner with a professional

• ERP-based cognitive behavioral therapy is the gold standard for OCD.

• If the child is in treatment, coordinate with the therapist so your responses at home match the treatment plan.

9. Use a “least attention possible” approach

• The more emotional energy you give the compulsion—whether through frustration or reassurance—the more fuel it gets.

• Keep responses neutral, brief, and consistent.

10. Celebrate non-checking moments

• Casually acknowledge times when they move on without checking—positive reinforcement works best when it’s subtle and timely.