The Building Blocks of Self-Esteem: Helping Children Feel Capable, Confident, and Valued
Strong self-esteem is one of the greatest gifts parents can give their children. It forms the foundation for how children view themselves, how they handle challenges, and how they relate to others. But where does self-esteem come from, and how can parents help their children build it?
This question comes up a lot for parents who recognize the importance of raising resilient kids. Importantly, self-esteem isn’t obtained in any one instance, or even from one caregiver; it’s built through everyday experiences of trying, struggling, failing, succeeding, and feeling supported, loved, and valued. Whether I’m working with a young child whose school struggles have led her to believe that she’s “lazy” or “stupid,” or an adult whose long undiagnosed learning disability created years of self-doubt, my work with children and adults alike has informed my understanding of self-esteem as a foundational part of identity.
Why Self-Esteem Matters for Children
Healthy self-esteem allows children to believe in their ability to handle life’s ups and downs. When kids feel confident and capable, they are more likely to:
Try new things even when success isn’t guaranteed.
Recover from setbacks with resilience.
Form healthy relationships, knowing they are worthy of love and respect.
Make good choices, guided by internal confidence rather than peer approval.
Self-esteem acts as emotional armor, helping children navigate disappointment, rejection, and change. It supports not just happiness in the present, but lifelong well-being.
What Can Erode a Child’s Self-Esteem
Even the most supportive and loving homes can’t fully shield children from experiences that challenge their self-worth (nor should they!). Some of the most common challenges to a child’s developing self-esteem include:
1. Academic Struggles
When children find school difficult—whether in reading, math, or focus—they can begin to internalize a sense of being less capable, less smart, or even lazy or “difficult.” Without help understanding the root of what’s going on (e.g., understanding that some kids take longer to master reading, some people have an easier time with math than others, or some brains need extra support to stay on-task), these self-concepts can stick around.
2. Social Challenges
Peer rejection, bullying, or difficulty making friends can make children feel unlikable or unwanted. Social struggles can be especially painful during middle school, when belonging feels critical.
3. Overly Critical or Controlling Environments
When children are frequently corrected, micromanaged, or compared to others, they may internalize that their worth depends on performance rather than simply being themselves.
4. Parents Fixing Too Quickly
It’s natural for parents to want to protect their children from frustration or failure. But when parents are quick to step in to solve problems, kids don’t get the chance to discover their own competence. Over time, this tells children that others do not trust them to be able to do it on their own.
5. Perfectionism and Pressure
Children who feel they must always excel (academically, socially, athletically, etc.) may learn to base their worth on achievement. When they fall short, their entire self-image can crumble.
How Parents Can Support Healthy Self-Esteem
Encourage effort, not perfection. Praise hard work, persistence, and progress rather than only outcomes.
Let your child solve small problems. Resist the urge to jump in too soon. Struggle builds skill and resilience!
Listen with empathy. When your child shares fears or disappointments, reflect and validate their feelings before offering advice.
Model self-compassion. How you treat yourself teaches your kids how to treat themselves.
Create a home environment of unconditional love. Make sure your kids know they are valued for who they are, not just what they do.
Build trust. Let your kids know that you trust them to make good decisions, and help them when needed.
How Therapy Can Help
Good therapy can be especially helpful when a child’s confidence seems to have eroded or when challenges at school or at home begin to take a toll.
Through therapy, children can:
Learn to identify and challenge negative self-talk.
Build emotional resilience and problem-solving skills.
Practice setting realistic goals and taking pride in effort.
Strengthen self-identity through play, conversation, and reflection.
Therapy can also support parents, helping them recognize patterns that may unintentionally undermine confidence and offering tools to encourage autonomy, encouragement, and balance.
Self-esteem isn’t about constant praise or shielding kids from disappointment, but helping them build a deep belief in their own worth and capability. When children feel capable, equipped, and supported, they carry that confidence with them for the rest of their lives.
