Helping Children Build Self-Esteem: What Works and What Doesn’t
Every parent wants their child to feel confident, capable, and valued. But self-esteem doesn’t come from constant praise or protection from failure; it grows from experience, competence, and the belief that “I can handle challenges.” Building healthy self-esteem is one of the most important roles parents play. And while many parental interventions are well-intentioned, some can undermine the very confidence we’re hoping to nurture.
What Helps Children Build Self-Esteem
1. Let Them Try (and Struggle a Little)
Children develop confidence not from everything going smoothly, but from discovering they can handle bumps along the way. When kids are allowed to face frustration, make mistakes, and recover, they learn resilience and competence. “I can handle this” is one of the most powerful beliefs a child can develop.
2. Praise Effort, Not Outcome
Instead of saying, “You’re so smart!” focus on “You worked really hard on that.” Effort-based praise reinforces persistence, curiosity, and problem-solving.
3. Give Meaningful Responsibility
Chores, decision-making, and problem-solving build autonomy and confidence. When kids contribute to family life or take responsibility for their actions, they feel capable and needed.
4. Listen More Than You Lecture
When children feel heard (especially about their emotions), they internalize a sense that their thoughts and feelings matter. This helps them develop inner confidence and self-worth.
5. Model Self-Compassion
How parents talk about themselves matters. Children who hear self-kindness (“That didn’t go as I hoped, but I’ll try again”) learn to treat themselves with the same grace.
What Undermines Self-Esteem (Even When Meant with Love)
1. Jumping in to Fix Problems
When parents rush to rescue children from frustration, disappointment, or mistakes, kids lose the chance to experience mastery. They learn: “I can’t handle this; someone else has to fix it.” Instead, try gentle support: “I know this is hard. What do you think might help?”
2. Over-Praising or Inflating Achievements
Children can usually sense when praise is exaggerated or insincere. Over-praising can make them afraid to fail or skeptical of genuine compliments.
3. Comparing Them to Others
Even subtle comparisons (“Your sister never forgets her homework”) can create insecurity and resentment. Every child’s path to competence and confidence is unique.
4. Over-Scheduling and Over-Managing
When every minute is structured, kids don’t get the chance to explore who they are outside of external expectations. Downtime and independence are essential for self-discovery.
5. Protecting Them from All Negative Feelings
Disappointment, frustration, and even embarrassment are part of life. When parents shield children from all discomfort, they miss opportunities to learn emotional coping skills.
How Therapy Can Help
Therapy can support both parents and children in developing healthier patterns that foster lasting self-esteem. It can help by:
Supporting parents in understanding how to step back without disengaging.
Helping kids process mistakes or setbacks in ways that build resilience.
Teaching emotional regulation so kids can manage big feelings effectively.
Building communication skills between parents and children to strengthen trust and confidence.
True self-esteem doesn’t come from everything going right; it comes from learning that you can handle things when they go wrong. By giving children space to try, fail, recover, and feel supported along the way, parents help them develop the deep, quiet confidence that lasts a lifetime.
